My number One insecurity

On a friendly blog there was this fun little thing to do. Simple really, all you have to do is type in your blog address and it will give you your blog's readability level. I didn't even think about the consequences it would have on my ego for days on end but hey look something fun and shiny, let's do it.

And so here is my results..

Movie Reviews

The second I saw it I laughed. Then I decided to hide the evidence, that no one would ever know my dirty little secret of my Nancy Drew of a blog.

I then decided to move on and pretend that this had never happened except that it did and I knew it and I am not one to let things go. Next thing I know I am doing the dishes dissecting this bloggy thing thinking what in my blog makes me a junior high school level. I hated junior high. Did it take into account the fact that I put in my blog address incorrectly at first, did it grade my typing skills before it checked my grammar? And it took like two seconds, how can check grammar that fast? What the heck is it checking? The amount of times I used the word like? I don't even use emoticons, shouldn't that go for my favor? What about sarcasm and irony, a computer can't check implied intent in two seconds, can it? Is it too many kids stories where I used what they said verbatim? Are you telling me that blogging about my kids is actually dragging down my blog IQ? I knew it, dang those halflings.

Then I thought about this post and mounting my defense to show how actually smart I really am and then putting down in list form all the smarty-pants things I really do. But lets get to the heart of the matter. Appearing to anyone at anytime to be anything less than intelligent is my biggest insecurity. Once in a while I know that I am a little empty-headed when it comes to my calendar but that doesn't bother me at all. Appearing to be laid-back, not a problem. The thought of anyone thinking that I am not intelligent is intolerable.

It started from childhood. The youngest of six children, I have been playing catch-up for as long as I can remember. In my house, grades were the ultimate example of your intelligence. It was compounded by an early marriage, early kids with a very young face accompanied with very impertinent remarks. And the postponement of my higher-education.

I feel like I have been compensating for my lack of college degree ever since. Especially when you are in the baby phase and all anyone talks about it mind-numbing baby things, and where did you meet your husband chatter? Don't get me wrong, I can dissect a pregnancy by trimesters with the best of them, tells you exactly how old each of my children were when they finally slept through the night and can continue ad nauseum. However, there are times when I just want to talk politics, literature, anything else if not to prove that I am intelligent than just to prove that I am an adult.

I didn't write this to get any comments about that I am smart, really. I am sending this out there to show one of my failings that I am trying to overcome. This isn't one of those things like a skinny woman who complains about being fat so she will get compliments on being pretty and thin. I am not stupid, this I know. I am smart. My insecurity is solely wrapped up in people not perceiving me as intelligent. On the other side of that coin, I also have problems with trying not to seem like a know-it-all either. I walk a wonderful tight-rope of insecurities.