Monday, October 08, 2012


I know it has been so long since I posted anything that it is unlikely that it will even get read.  That's almost good for me.  I just want to put this out there and feel better.  My marriage ended three months ago.  On paper it still exists, but what does that really matter?  The kids and I moved to Utah last month and Dan stayed in Oklahoma.  Not very many people know, and it is a weight that sits on my chest like a constant burden.  A fourth child who needs round-the-clock attention, but that nobody knows exists. 
I find myself in a surreal world.  The people that know send me love, pity, and are quick to remind me how strong I am.  The people that don't know act normal, of course, and I want to scream at them.  The lack of adults in my life all of sudden is startling.  Everything revolves around my kids, and I have to act normal for them. 
I am beginning to hate the very word: normal.  All my life, I have never been normal, never wanted to be either.  But, now that all pretence of "normal" has been blown out of the water, I feel like a freak.  All the time.  And I can't shake the feeling that I will always feel that way.
It is still new, raw.  I know, hope that in time that the sensitive frayed nerve that has become my life will... what? Die, become stronger, become more sensitive, harder? 
Everything about my life is unknown now.  Four months ago, all my hopes and dreams for my life made sense.  I have been trying to have a memorial service in my heart and mind for all the things I thought I was going to do, but potential is a very hard thing to mourn, I have found. 
Still, even I have my moments.  Those rare beautiful glimpses like walking by a mirror and just seeing your reflection in the corner of your eye.  In the corner of my eye, I can just start to see it.  Dreams I had put to the side coming back to focus.  My children and I being able to step out of a terribly sad situation with the most precious gift of all.  A clear conscience.