Monday, November 19, 2012

Moving on

I will not be posting to this blog anymore.  This is not my life anymore.  I have another blog that I will be using from now on.

Anyone is welcome to join me in my new life over there.

Monday, October 08, 2012


I know it has been so long since I posted anything that it is unlikely that it will even get read.  That's almost good for me.  I just want to put this out there and feel better.  My marriage ended three months ago.  On paper it still exists, but what does that really matter?  The kids and I moved to Utah last month and Dan stayed in Oklahoma.  Not very many people know, and it is a weight that sits on my chest like a constant burden.  A fourth child who needs round-the-clock attention, but that nobody knows exists. 
I find myself in a surreal world.  The people that know send me love, pity, and are quick to remind me how strong I am.  The people that don't know act normal, of course, and I want to scream at them.  The lack of adults in my life all of sudden is startling.  Everything revolves around my kids, and I have to act normal for them. 
I am beginning to hate the very word: normal.  All my life, I have never been normal, never wanted to be either.  But, now that all pretence of "normal" has been blown out of the water, I feel like a freak.  All the time.  And I can't shake the feeling that I will always feel that way.
It is still new, raw.  I know, hope that in time that the sensitive frayed nerve that has become my life will... what? Die, become stronger, become more sensitive, harder? 
Everything about my life is unknown now.  Four months ago, all my hopes and dreams for my life made sense.  I have been trying to have a memorial service in my heart and mind for all the things I thought I was going to do, but potential is a very hard thing to mourn, I have found. 
Still, even I have my moments.  Those rare beautiful glimpses like walking by a mirror and just seeing your reflection in the corner of your eye.  In the corner of my eye, I can just start to see it.  Dreams I had put to the side coming back to focus.  My children and I being able to step out of a terribly sad situation with the most precious gift of all.  A clear conscience.

Monday, January 17, 2011


We have made it to our new duty station. The super-exciting Oklahoma town of Lawton. Its not the smallest place we have ever lived but it kind of feels that way through lack of proper shopping choices. Can you say no Target? I can't and won't get over that one. The nearest one is about 50 miles away.

But the good news, this job of Dan's is a no deployment job. A guaranteed two years home. I would live in worse places that this for that. He will have a busy job here with a little bit of travel but just a few days here or there, nothing major. And I have been able to get back to school, although I really enjoyed my break. I am taking three classes this semester and will take summer off, just because I hate summer school.

The kids are doing really good. This was the hardest move for them. Three years in Tennessee, they really got settled with their schools and friends. But like true military kids, they are adapting. They really like their new schools, I think one reason might be because they are easier than the last schools, which doesn't exactly make me happy.

We are who we are though and so far we have loved everywhere we have been, met great people, and will make the most of this state, too.

Just a few pictures from the last few months:

The kids in the Bahamas, we totally spoiled them this summer and went on a cruise. DD totally expected to be able to order personal starters and desserts at a restaurant afterward. She was so confused when I explained to her that back in the real world it doesn't work like that.

Punx, my little band geek, at his first middle school concert. He is also first trumpet.

We just got back from Utah and two weddings, here we are at the Garden on top of the Joseph Smith Memorial Building.

More to come later, I have been ignoring the kids all day so I could study.

Thursday, September 09, 2010

Dipping my toe back in

I have been a little anti-technology these past months. I have spent a little too much time getting to know facebook which I now regret. I have been just trying to live and enjoy my life without worrying so much about how I was going to record it. But the truth is, I missed this. I like sharing my life.

The last seven months have seen a lot of changes in our house. Punx just started middle school, which is just weird. Although I really enjoy the "you look too young to have a kid in middle school" comments. We are preparing for our next move, which is about a month away. I have dropped out of college again, since we are moving in the middle of the semester. DD started fourth grade and Bug the second. Dan will be leaving company command at the end of this month to exchange it for a recruitment command in Oklahoma.

In June, we took a cruise with the whole family to Key West and the Bahamas. It was beyond awesome. It spoiled the kids a bit. When we went out to eat after the cruise DD started trying to order a personal appetizer, her entree, and her dessert and was very confused when I explained to her she couldn't do that. They have come back to earth but it still cracks me up what a cushy life they lead and annoys me to no end when they complain. Cruise, are you kidding me? Family vacation for me was an overnight road-trip to Utah sleeping in a van and then sleeping on the floor of my Grandmother's basement, maybe mix it up with some camping in Payson canyon.

The next month is going to be very busy for us, but I will try to get some pictures posted, at least. I make no promises on consistency but I am going to try and be a more active poster.

Monday, February 08, 2010

Bug, still going strong.

Shh, Dan thinks I'm locked in the office to study for my first Anatomy test tomorrow. Now that we are under Winter Storm Warning again, school will most likely bee cancelled and I seem to have lost my drive. I think that's going to come back and bite me.


Bug is still our comic relief around here so I wanted to share some stories. Some are months old.

We are all sitting at the dinner table, I had made roast beef for dinner and he breaks the silence with, "What the he!! is this meat?" I have no idea where he picked up that kind of language.

A few fast Sundays ago, what we call the first Sunday of the month where we fast, in Primary he comes up to me and says, "This doesn't feel like fast Sunday, it feels like slow Sunday."

We are driving in the car to scouts one night and everyone is chattering away. There is a slight lull in the conversations and Bug uses that opportunity to shout, "B00BS!" And that was all he said.

Another time to break the silence he shouted, "Shut your pie-hole!"

Bug and I have been writing out his Valentine's Day cards for his party on Friday. This week is really a wild one, so I am trying to stay on top of it. I am spelling out first names and he writes it down on the fun dip package. At the end, I spell out, c-r-i-s-t-t-i-n, and he writes it down without a thought. We have them all on the table laid out to keep from smudging when I grab mine and rip it open and start eating it. He starts to complain loudly that now he will have to write out a new one and whose did I steal. I show it to him and he says, "That is my second best friend." Oh really, and what is this friend's name, I ask? He looks at it a while and admits defeat. I ask Punx to come over and read it and he tells him its my name and he gave me that you betrayed me face. I ate the fun dip in front of him and it was gross.

You know people always say how Punx and DD look like Dan and Bug looks like me, I think he got a little more than my looks. I am half-proud/half-fearful.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Four month recap

I just started a new semester today and the thought occurred to me that I did not post throughout the entire last semester. The past four months were beyond blur-crazy.

September - Dan took command of a company here at Fort Campbell and while we understood that he was taking on a very demanding job, the understanding that I was in for it, did not quite hit home until later. Some wives will take on a job when their husbands take command as FRG leader (a spouse/family support organization) however, I decided that with school and kids that I would not be able to do the job to the level that is expected. Luckily, another spouse volunteered for the position. The day Dan took command, there was a change of command ceremony. I remember walking through a part of the work space of the company with the kids and distinctly heard the whisper, "That's the wife." I can't go into the office without a whole lotta ma'ams being thrown my way. People in Dan's company recognize me in the parking lot and will say stuff to me. It's a little unnerving, this "commander's wife" thing. I am not used to it, the thing I really get a kick out of is seeing all the deference that is paid to Dan. I am like, what? This is Dan, I could tell you guys some stories. After the ceremony, it is tradition for the new commander to provide food. So we spent a boatload of money to feed his almost 300 person company, while most people left right after the ceremony, didn't get food, and I was left with 3 massive cheese platters to take home. The neighbors all thought we were crazy as we showed up at their doors begging them to take bags of cheese. For about a week, there was cheese at every meal at our house. Next the kids finally wore me down and we got a puppy. A white short-haired chihuahua that we named Roscoe.

October - Punx got his Arrow of Light and is basically done with cub scouts. He turns eleven next month, Feb., and that's that, it makes me sad. We took vacation this year during fall break. We went to Orlando and did all the Disney Parks and spent one day at the beach. Disney has the most incredible military discount that I just did not want to pass up. Orlando in October was really hot, so we still enjoyed the water parks, but we never waited in line for anything longer than 20 minutes, and that was only a couple times. We had a really good time and the kids are a such a perfect age to have done it. Pictures later.

November - More Dan stuff. Dan started the Air Assault School in the beginning of the month. It's a lot of great Army stuff, jumping out of helicopters, sliding down ropes, and marching with 60 lbs packs. Halfway through it, Dan got a nasty flu/cold but would not give up, the second to last day, he sprained his ankle coming down a rope wrong, still did not give up. So on the last day, to finish the course is a 12-mile march with the packs, which crazy Dan did sick with a sprained ankle and got sixth place out of almost 200 soldiers. Which leads us to...

December - Dan with pneumonia. Dan spent the majority of the month in bed, barely able to move, needing help with every little thing. I learned a few things, though, I am not a good nurse, I get cranky. Dan makes a lot of noises when he is uncomfortable. And there are certain colors bodily fluids should never be, no more details to spare the innocent. But the year did end well, Dan returning to health, Christmas with family, New Years with family, and another semester down. Although I did get a B, in one of my classes.

So I am off again for another wild ride, Anatomy II and Pre-calculus. After this semester I will take a break, no summer school this year. I am looking forward to that. As of right now we still have no idea when Dan will deploy again, it could be soon to soonish. Any one's guess is as good as the next rumor. We do what everyone else does, survive today to live tomorrow.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

At the time...

It did seem like a good idea at the time. How long has it been since we've been camping, Dan? The kids are starting school, we should go. Great idea, or...

The last time we went camping was an overnight ward campout in ND, three or four years ago. It was August and the temp dropped into the 30's that night. After that the moves, various trainings, and deployment just got in the way.

So we decided to start off small, just an overnight camping trip at our favorite lake spot. We did have a good time - hiking, fire, smores, tent, etc. It was a little hot but I'll take it over 30 degree weather for a tent. It all happened at the end.

We are packing up camp and getting ready to head back for swimming one last time before going home. The kids are off bush-whacking in the distance when Punx comes limping and crying back. He has been stung by a wasp in his leg through his pjs. All the kids come back and I go up to him when all of a sudden the wasp decides he has not proven his point. He flies up Punx nose, lets just say Punx starts freaking out, and it stung him inside his nose. Dan takes him to the bathroom to get some cold water on the stings and calm him down. A couple minutes later, Bug just starts screaming, one has stung him and flown into his shorts. Dan takes him into the bathroom and finds the wasp and kills it. DD runs to the girls bathroom and won't come out. I make Punx sit on a curb with a wet paper towel on both his stings and try to get Bug to do the same but he won't turn his back on the forest and, "I'm not going anywhere near a forest." I finally talk the boys into retreating into the truck although it does take some coercion since it involves going back to our campsite. Once they are safe in their refuge, they won't come out and freak if someone opens the door. It took 20 minutes to get DD out of the bathroom to run to the truck and they just sat in there while Dan and I packed up camp.

We had to drive to the other side of the campground to use the toilets before going home, and we have to work hard to convince them that the wasps had not followed us. We went home, we did not do one more swimming trip. Punx had a bloody nose this morning and it was the same side as the wasp sting and he was sure it was connected, five days later. Poor kids.

In other news, my class ends tomorrow and I get my two week summer vacationand the kids have already started, woo-hoo. Take final, finish paper, AC upstairs broken. I feel so behind in my to-do list I think it might lap me.