Remember back when all you could do was count down until it was summer? You looked at the calendar and counted the days left of school? That thrill when you were finally released and let loose to run wild and go toilet paper whoever's house you felt like that night, even though it was a Tuesday? Man, good times.
Sometimes being an adult is such a downer. Now all I feel is this oppressive weight. Mom, I'm bored. My soft-shoe and jazz hands just doesn't hold their interest the way it used to. Another summer of entertaining these kids without Dan seems incredibly long. Never mind the whole me messing up the calendar and Punx can't go to Cub Scout Day camp, I cancelled his reservation earlier this week. That is a whole week blown were I got rid of one of them. Sometimes he is the whiniest when it comes to the entertain me thing, too.
Last summer was out first summer here in TN, it was blazing hot. I mean HOT! Wicked witch of the West, I am melting Hot. I don't want to do it again. Sit in my air conditioned house, paying super high utilities bills, listening to the kids bicker, while I watch the lawn die, Super Fun Summer 2008! Yes!
We have a couple things to look forward to. Saturday we head out to my sister's for a few days then we'll only be home for a couple days before we go right back out to go to the Great Smokey Mountains. Our reservation is Saturday to Saturday but we'll be coming home on Friday so that the kids can go to Super Saturday the next day because I am thinking that I am going to be needing the break after all the family togetherness. Just a hunch.
It's not until mid-July that the kids go into the Y-day camp that I signed up all three of them for. An outdoor adventure thingy, whatever, I don't care right now what they do with them, just take care of them, keep them from killing each other, and I will go enjoy my 9-3 break, preferably by the poolside with some new books.
Then two weeks later, school starts. For the life of me I still can't figure out why they would have school start in early August in this place. Then it will be onto my new freedom and my new thing, still working on the details.
It's that big space in the middle that is giving me anxiety. I am relieved that school is out. A break from the hurry and go in the morning. Some relax time. But I am actually having anxiety about dealing with the kids and not totally freaking out on them this summer. It has me unnerved and antsy.
I've been doing some math. Taking into account Dan's started deployment last year but not finished, so therefore not counted for anything. This past year he has only been home for 3 1/2 months. And that was last fall all at once. We've been here a year and Dan has only lived here for less than 4 months. By the time we have been here for two years, Dan will have lived here for a grand total of 5 months.
I've gotten to that grove point of being here. Knowing short-cuts around an accident or traffic. Running into people I know at the Library or the Mall. Comfortable, right? Most of the people in my ward don't even know what Dan looks like. None of the missionaries that I feed have ever met him. I just hate this feeling of having this life here that Dan is not a part of and never has been. The one thing that my life truly revolves around (I know, gross) is the thing most invisible to everyone else in all the other parts of it.
What's this have to do with summer? Nothing, I am being a big baby, that's all. One last thing that I've noticed. No one likes a weak and struggling deployed wife. All anyone says to me is how they couldn't do what it is I am doing. How does anyone know that? Does that mean that you would literally die without your husband and somehow I am stronger than you are or don't love him enough that I can bare to be apart from him for so long? You are so strong and doing so well handling the children and all your responsibilities. Once again, how do you know what I am handling? Not that I resent all supportive comments sent my way, just sometimes I doubt their sincerity. Especially those said to me by a person telling it to me walking by me at 40 mph. The doubt comes from noticing that people don't notice when you don't answer their questions. Hey, how are you doing? Did you know that more than half the time I don't answer that question and the other half I answer with a very weak, "eh?" Very few people respond to my response.
It's very strange to me that the place I feel my support is from people miles away that I haven't seen in years or people I haven't ever met. Without the couple good friends and my sister here I am sure I would have snapped already. Unless I already have and just haven't noticed yet. It's a toss-up.
On that cheery note, have a good summer. What a great year it was. I had a lot of fun. You are my BFF. KIT. Cristtin
I can't think of any other cheesy yearbook thing to say.
6 comments:
Here is a hug from me. I still think about your comment about not having a tv and nothing to point the furnitrue at!! Yep, still makes me smile. I know this won't help, but i know what you are going through. It sucks big time and I wish there was something I could do for you. Just know that I am thinking of you (gee that help eh?). I think summer will be a good change!!
You are right, I do not know what you are going through as a deployment wife, but I do know what it feels like to be suddenly seperated from your husband for 6 months. My DH left me 2 years ago, long story, he's back now and all is well. It was a struggle, every single day and it's something I wouldn't wish on any couple, no matter the circumstances of the reason for seperation, being deployment, etc. However, I do wish you wouldn't dread summer with your kids. I'm in KY so I understand the heat. Maybe you could just try to plan some fun outdoor activies like water gun fights, popscicle days and swimming pool time. Good luck!!!
I have no idea what hear you're talking about! Its snowing today here. Lovely, white and annoying at this time of year. I am the type of person who will whine about the heat when it actually hits though!
I know you're not big into schedules but the only thing that works for my kids is to have set times during the day for scripture study, meals, some reading, chores and then each day is a different activity; library, sewing, cooking, going to the park, etc. Its actually the only way I survive as well. Without it, I am lost all summer. Of course the cute little worksheets and reading time don't last all summer. By the time school starts, my kids are barely able to remember what they learned last year, but we try.
I am sorry about the deployed thing. I don't know what else we can do. We pray for you and Dan. I hope that helps. How can it not? Maybe, with your talents, you could write a book about your experiences- good and bad- with deployment. It would make a funny read and you could pass it out at Christmas! Just change the names to protect the innocent! ;)
Are you living my life??? Because, I swear, this is all just SOOOO familiar.
We're on day 2 of summer vacation, and I think I'll be able to keep the kids entertained approximately 2.3 more days before they turn rabid.
Dh is getting ready to deploy again this summer. It'll be our 3rd out of the past 4 summers with him gone. I'm gonna have to finally break down and actually put the kids in swimming lessons anyway. (I keep avoiding the pool with the justification that I can't keep tabs on all 4 kids at once without a second adult... of course I proved the theory right last year by attempting it and having 2 of them nearly drown in the space of 10 minutes)
Does everyone here have a spouse with the initials D.H.? Or is Dan involved in polygamy and has not told us?
Well, Cristtin. All I can say is that I don't kno whow you do it and that I'm sure I could never do what you are doing.
>:}
One thing you can do over the summer is experiment and see if you can make your children gain specific phobias. I'm incredibly arachnaphobic and I think it was because my siblings chased me around all summer with dead spiders while mum chased me around with live spiders in her hand. it might be interesting to find out what your children are afraid of, then exploit it so it can cause long-term effects.
(My DH stands for Dear Husband, heehee, I didn't even think about those being your honey's real initials!)
Love him/Hate him - life with kids is easier with backup! I'm sure the weight of being responsible for everything while he's gone is overwhelming. I'm a weenie and hate to deal with any kind of maintenance (vehicle, home, or yard). I hate being in charge of finances. I like to be taken care of. I like having someone to turn to about the kid concerns (even when I don't listen to his opinion or follow his advice). It's nice to have someone to talk to. Someone who actually shares those concerns. Without all that, life would be a helluvalot harder! And the fact that you are missing your sweetheart and the kids are missing Daddy, and he's missing you (and in a dangerous situation, to top it off) Just Sucks!
Thanks for putting up with all this crap to protect our freedom. {{{HUGS}}}
Post a Comment