The Bathroom

Let's just say I've finally snapped. I put a lot of stock into a sense of humor and have tried to cultivate my children's comedic styles. Punx has a flair for sarcasm, I have encouraged it in it's proper place. DD is still an enigma to me, she still tells knock-knock jokes where the punch line doesn't make sense. Bug, I think, is where I will have my true comeuppance. His timing for saying those things that embarrass me and make adults everyone go, "oh!" is something to behold.

The children are on hour two of solitary confinement. And I have no intention of early parole for good behavior. In fact, parole really isn't a possibly since their sentence was "a really, really long time, now go."

Their humor is in the crude phase and try as I might to teach them time and place it is not working. I can enjoy a good bathroom joke now and again, like most people. However, life here has started to revolve around things involving the toilet. I have been as patient with it as I can. "Alright, kids, that's really not appropriate let's move on to another topic." Statements of that nature. Distraction, redirection, threats, pleadings, nothing is working. My children's minds are living in the porcelain bowl.

Finally today came the outright ban. No more bathroom jokes. Obviously you kids are not going to learn time and place or moderation any time soon so before you make momma start living in the fetal position, we are going to initiate a total blockade on all things bathroom related. Five minutes later, they start again. That's it, no TV for the week. It must be that I am letting you guys watch the wrong stuff and I need to get a better handle on this and reevaluate what and how much TV you are going to be allowed to watch. Thirty minutes later, you guys have got to be kidding me, you really need to rethink your priorities. Do you want me to take everything away? Just go play upstairs and please stop.

Five minutes later. Punx brings me down a white marble but it has brown on it. Bug put a Hungry Hungry Hippo marble in his butt. HE WHAT?! Bug get down here, no everyone get down here, NOW! They line up. I start to tell them how this is bad and we should not put marbles in our butts. I say butt and they look and each other and they are all snickering. Bad move, Neil. "DD your room, Bug your room, Punx living room couch, and you will all be going there for a really, really long time, now go."

I am so upset that I am calm. I think that I have gone to the bad place. The place that when I finally do go to talk to the kids it will be in a eerily-detached but firm voice that actually freaks the kids out more than if I yell at them. That's about where I am right now. Oh yeah, I am definitely in the bad place now, that's why I won't let the kids out because I have no idea what punishments I will start dishing out and then have to live with after. One thing is for sure those kid had better like Nick Jr, because that is about all they are going to be allowed to watch next week when I let them start watching the TV again. It's going to be a lot of Dora and that freaky weirdo show Yo Yo Gabba where the spazzy kids dance with the way too excited to there gangly Band Leader.

A fricking marble in his butt. Man Alive.