I know everyone knows the rut feeling. I have been feeling it something fierce ever since Dan left and just stepped back into the grind like nothing had happened.
Turn-off alarm. Do a little reading. Get breakfast for the kids. Get in the shower. Backpacks ready, clean-up breakfast. "Does everyone have a sweatshirt?" Repeat question four times. Get my backpack ready. Grab whatever bottle is counting as my breakfast and throw it in. Watch for the bus, get out the door, go, go, go. Oh yeah, I love you, have a good day. Drive to school, talk to Dan on phone. Find parking spot, walk to class. Cram whatever study time I have in. Class, study, class, study. Drive home. Clean something. Eat maybe. Study, homework. Kids, their homework. Clean something. Stop fighting. What day is it? Swimming, scouts, what's going on tonight? Dinner, baths, jamas. Stop fighting. Go to bed, now, I love you. Study, homework, watch some TV. Talk to Dan. Read a little, set alarm, turn off light.
Repeat, repeat, repeat, infinity...
I feel nothing but stress, frustration, anger, and occasionally nothing at all. I am just coming off a wonderful girl's weekend. My sister and I and a couple of friends did a church conference thing, Time Out for Women. It was here in Nashville this past weekend. A single friend stayed at the house and watched the kids. We all got a hotel room, went to the conference, ate actual food, had a good time. Now here I am two days later, one day away from my first final and I am ready to explode.
I am very dispirited. I don't know how else to describe it except that I feel like I am failing. Not grade wise, potential wise. I am not doing my best work, the house is not clean, I feel like I am constantly pushing the kids away because I either need to study or please just let me have a minute to myself. In trying to get everything done, I feel like nothing is getting accomplished. I just don't know what to do with this feeling that I can't do this. The thought of settling for B's in some of my classes that I should have A's in makes me sick. And, yes, I know how stupid this all sounds. Now you know, I am truly that uptight.
So I have conceded. I am unwilling to live like this and unwilling to have my kids live this way anymore. As much as it feels like a kick in the gut, next semester I am taking the A&P II class with it's lab and nothing else. This class, this semester, has taken me at least 15 hours a week. I am just going to focus on that and maybe next fall I can re-evaluate, again.
But now, it is official, I will not be graduating here. It will be impossible. I choose sanity over a defined graduation date. It just really sucks. I have no idea where we are going next, if there will be a university there, if they will even have a program. It's going to be a great picture me in my gown next to Punx in his in 2024. That's figuring that Punx graduates on time for high school, serves a two year mission and takes five years to get through college.
8 comments:
There's always online classes...but if you're anything like me, I can't stand them. I'm more of an in-class type.
Sanity is good. It will all work out. Even if it takes 10 years. So what. You would have been 10 years older anyway. This way, you'll be 10 years older, with a degree!
Be wise. What can I say more? You've got a good head on your shoulders. You'll know what you need to do in the moment you need to do it. Just breathe, focus and breathe some more! We're all praying for you! We love you.
At least you have your priorities straight. I know you will graduate, just maybe not a fast a you wanted. You are amazing!! Don't forget!!
Sanity and keeping everyone alive is way more importnant then graduating. No worries Iwill be ther with you sitting next to our kids in 2024! Hopefully by then I have gone back to school and taken a few classes. Love you! Stacey
That is so funny you posted this. Because for the first time I am still off on maternity leave (HOME), Ned is working full time, so really this is the first time I have been home with the kids, ALL DAY, EVERYDAY, & ITS THE SAME THING...NOTHING! I was just talking to my sis in-law about the daily routine we find ourselves in, seemingly accomplishing nothing, but we are and have to remember that! Right?!?
Remember the definition of a "successful deployment?" :) These last few months feel like an eternity!!! Keeping you and your kids happy is so important. But, just wait, the last few weeks feel even longer.
I say, give yourself an early Christmas present and hire a housekeeper.
Pumpkin go easy on yourself. I don't know if this helps you, but it sure helps me - make a list of everything you're doing in a day. Realize how much you ARE doing, and how much less you COULD be doing. You're working miracles because you're shaping 3 lives, and for the time being you're doing it alone. Give yourself a hug eh?
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